The Clover Nook

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First, congratulations, you are a perceptive parent and trying to find solutions to help your teenager be mentally healthier. 

You ARE a good parent. You know how I know? You opened this blog, which means you are searching for answers because you care. Good parents do stuff like that.

Witnessing your child go through any heartache can feel helpless. Discovering your child suffers from depression can add layers of fear.

I can’t imagine what my mom went through with me, I wouldn’t admit depression to her… I was embarrassed and felt shame. She tried to send me to a professional counselor. I’d clammed up in the dreary office. I didn’t want to talk to some adult, a stranger I didn’t know. I had fears like “Would she (the doctor) send me away to one of those crazy places?” I told my mom I never wanted to go back and she reluctantly agreed, respecting my wishes.

I lived in the shadows of depression since the age of thirteen. It continued into my adult life. In my mid-twenties, I knew something had to give. By then depression was talked about more – normal people, movie stars, writers, painters… Suddenly, the world opened doors to the mental disorder. It didn’t feel too shameful to go to the doctor. Being put on medicine was no longer as taboo.

Now, your teenager lives in a different world than I did. It has more stressors and revolves around technology. The stress and pressure on teens today is ten times worse than what we had experienced.

Let’s go ahead and start with the biggest how and why question. “How does depression happen and why does my child have it?”

First, let me tell you this: I am a parent myself. My own depression stems from genetics. I’m terrified for my son. I never want him to go through what I did. That being said, I understand from my own teenage years. I also understand as a parent.

Now on to it…. 

Super simplified, depression happens when the brain isn’t producing the feel good chemicals it needs to properly work.

Of course, there are reasons why this happens. Let me add another super simple explanation. I will not get into the in-depth functions of neurotransmitters like serotonin, oxytocin, dopamine, and endorphins. etc. etc. I have narrowed depression to five reasons I feel are most important: genetics, food, activity, sleep deprivation and chronic stress.

Genetics: Sometimes we are just born this way – but this doesn’t mean depression can’t be beat. Like it is said, genetics loads the gun but it’s your lifestyle that pulls the trigger.

Food: Has a huge impact on not only the body but the brain. What goes in the body does matter.

Activity: Physical activity hugely effects dopamine levels in the brain. Getting up and moving keeps the brain moving.

Sleep Deprivation: The body needs to rest and replenish for the brain to properly function.

Bad (Chronic) Stress: The amount of chronic stress disables neurotransmitters in the brain effecting serotonin levels. 

Take a long look at these five things. Check if you can apply any of them to your teen’s lifestyle.

Questions to Ask:

Is there someone in their lineage that suffers from mental illness? Do you suffer from depression? 

Does your teen indulge in too much junk food? Are they getting the right vitamins and minerals needed for a healthy brain?

Is your teen glued to video games, iPad screens or TV? Are they getting at least thirty minutes or more daily activity? 

Is your teen getting at least eight to nine hours of sleep a night? (Again, are they glued to TV, phones and iPad – can’t shut the brain off?) Are they going to bed at a decent time when they have to wake up for school the next day?

What stress is your teen under at home, school, with friends, sports etc.? (and the hardest question to truthfully answer…) Are you part of the reason for your teen’s stress?

Answer the above questions honestly before continuing. Really think about the bad stress… there can be environmental factors (anything going on at home between parent (s), being bullied at school, a teacher etc.) social media bulling, an injury causing ongoing hospital, doctor visits and disrupting “normal life?” Carefully pay attention to red flags, teens can deceive to hide depression. This isn’t an ill intent but usually happens if they feel shame, fear or embarrassment.

If there is childhood trauma, it can come back at any time in your teen’s current state of mind. Now that they are older, events will resurface that they had ignored or pushed down earlier in life. Your teen feel they should be “over it”. They not want to openly express the negative feelings. They also not feel comfortable bringing “it up again”. Understand, they not even know that the trauma is linked to the depression they are feeling now. (see PTSD)

Remember, the way your child is processing emotions is completely different from how adults process them. At this age, the logic of feelings and emotions is hard to understand. This difficulty occurs because the frontal lobe is not fully developed.

1. First talk with your teen – communication is key

I know, I know…. talking to your teen can be really tricky. Shutting down is common. But trust me, where there is a healthy will there is a healthy way.

One of the first rules of talking with your teen is to be aware of your tone of voice. This applies to any other aged child as well. I can’t stress the important of this. Even at my son’s young age, we have a “safe word.” He can call it if I ramble. I repeat the same point or become sarcastic when trying to relay an opinion. Keep this in mind and make yourself approachable.

When talking be flexible and allow your teen to have some control over the conversation. While communicating, ask their opinion. Give some options. Let them know you are there to work alongside as a team. Don’t judge. Do not react negatively, regardless of what they tell you. Otherwise, they will retreat and feel unsafe in confiding in the future. Calm, cool and collect are key. You can mentally process the weight of information and how to handle it when you are alone.

Keep in mind, your child is desperately trying to understand these feelings too. You both have the same ultimate goal. The goal is to beat the depression.

On a side note…. Don’t get frustrated if there aren’t immediate results. (Again, I can’t stress enough to keep in mind that your teen’s frontal lobe in the brain won’t fully develop until around the age of twenty-five. They are working off emotion – but you can help by working off rationalization.) You can read more on the teen brain with a good book called The Teenage Brain by: Frances E. Jensen, MD with Amy Ellis Nutt. Read it yourself. Let them know they can read it too. Then leave it available for them to view at their own discretion. (Offer availability if they want to discuss the book IF it’s read)

Do continue to reassure them, “I am here and ready to listen when you’re ready to talk.”

Being available and letting them know you are available is a big deal.

2. Give your teen information and materials on depression = educate them AND you

Find books. There are some excellent books just for teens. You can find scientific information. Additionally, there is a list of iconic figures in our history who beat depression every day and win. Also, offer a journal (I called mine a diary….) and reassure them that you will not read it, that it is a safe outlet for their feelings (stay true to your word unless there is a real threat and you can’t figure out another way to solve it). Trust is so important – and has to go both ways to work.

Beat the stigma of depression and reassure your teen their is nothing to feel embarrassed about. Millions of people suffer from depression and get help everyday (and they will too).

Don’t bombard your teen with materials and leave things open so your child can approach the information on their terms. Give them materials that might include their interest and likes. Intrigue them with help.

3. Educate you and your teenager on food and the brain

Look, at thirteen I was still a picky eater. As I became older I eventually made myself try and like the healthier foods – and this wasn’t easy. I gagged on avocados the first two times… (and this was in my thirties) But dammit I was going to eat those healthy Omega 3s… (I LOVE avocado now).

Explain to your teen that their taste buds are constantly changing. They have tried a food last year and thought it was gross. Yet, since their palate is constantly growing more sophisticated, they like the taste of tomatoes this year. (Favorite advice from my son’s pediatrician. I’m constantly capable of reminding him of this wisdom.)

Foods high in Omega 3s are believed to help inflammation in the brain. Depression fighting spices are proven to supply essential nutrients for building serotonin levels. The brain needs oxygen, too much caffeine can lessen the amount of oxygen to the brain. You can find more details about how food can effect the brain with some great resources.

Genius Foods by Max Lugavere is a great book to start off with. (Grab your highlighter for chapter eight. Give it to your teen and let them know there is no pressure. You believe it is a helpful choice). Max Lugavere also has a great podcast about food. It explores the way food affects the brain. It doesn’t hurt to listen while driving. There’s lots of great information from a young, cool guy. (Your teen refer to him as ‘wigged’).

Another wonderful guide with a mega amount of resources is Food Babe. Vani Hari, the Food Babe, gives you all the information you need to know about food on a silver platter. There is loads of information on what should go into your child’s body and what shouldn’t. It explains the why(s). There are meal prep guides, recipes, and more to help you eat healthier. Wait until you find out why she started her website…

4. Talk to your teen about sleep and the effects it has on the brain, not just the body.

According to UCLA health.org the teen needs about nine hours of sleep each night. So, when your teen sleeps in on the weekends, don’t fuss. Their busy brain is probably trying to catch up from the week.

Think of all the things in your teens life causing lack of sleep… homework? A job? Sports? Tv?

Try really hard and think back to when you were a teen and what kind of sleep you had. I’m sure you recall sleeping late on weekends but did you have a hard time winding down at the end of a day? Were you in a lot of after school activities that caused you late nights with homework? Try to apply your teen life in understanding your child. You are not identical but branches from the same tree and that can help you relate.

Lack of sleep leaves the brain exhausted. It causes irritability and emotional outbursts. It worsens depression symptoms. Sometimes, it is unknown if depression came first or lack of sleep. Lack of sleep creates anxiety and stress. It weakens the immune system. You get the idea.

Work with your teen for an agreeable sleep regiment and schedule to assure they are receiving proper rest. Consult your pediatrician if you think melatonin might be needed or 5-HTP to regulate their sleep cycle. You can encourage sleep machines/relaxation and apps that will track sleep. If your teen snores or grinds their teeth regularly, sleep apnea or stress might be the cause. It would be wise to seek a pediatrician’s advice on this topic as well. (If grinding teeth, they will need a guard).

5. Explain bad stress and the effects it has on the brain

We all go through stressful situations. There is a bad stress and there is good stress… does your teenager know the difference? Do you?

Your teen needs to find their bad stress triggers. They should learn how to deal with negativity in a positive way. It’s impossible for your teen to do this if they don’t understand what it is and why it happens.

I wrote a blog on bad stress (chronic stress) and ways to fight it. You might be capable of applying some of these ideas to your teen. Add a spin on the ideas from their parent (that’s you).

Try offering some of these questions for your child to ponder:

What is the key stressors? Is it someone at school? Is it an injury or health issue? Is it a romantic relationship? Is it loss of a love one? Is it a parent? A friend?

You get the idea…

Help them understand it’s important to talk about these stresses. Gently encourage a professional counselor, reminding your teen there are counselors at school. (Ask them if they know how to schedule an appointment. If they don’t take initiative, find out and then explain the protocol to your teen. Don’t push but guide them to further information.) If your teen isn’t comfortable meeting with a school counselor, hire an outside professional that specializes with teens. Let them know their counselor is a safe place to talk about family, friends, college etc. Subtly, remind your teen that what they say during these sessions will remain privy. All information disclosed to the therapist is about keeping a healthy mind.

Do you remember your teenage self? It’s not easy being a teen, though we associate a lot of good “in those days…” there were a lot of challenges too. Remember this as you try to help your teenager navigate through depression.

If your teen resist what you have to offer, don’t give up. Again, remember to continue reaffirming “I’m always here to listen when you’re ready to talk.”

Be aware of the trouble your teen can face if they follow a dark path for quick dopamine fixes. Depression occurs when happy chemicals are out of balance. Quick fixes of dopamine can give an immediate happy feeling. If your teen stays off balance, it can lead to serious issues. These include alcohol and drug abuse, eating disorders, excessive spending, gambling, and sex addiction from teen to adulthood. To avoid this, now and the future, help them understand how the brain works. There are positive, healthy choices for dopamine release. For example: exercise, bubble bath, doing something kind, cuddling with their dog or cat, etc.

The more your child understands now, the better they will manage challenging situations later. When negative fixes arrive in their life (dangled), they will feel empowered to walk away.

Below I’ve added some helpful links to continue your research if you’d like.

You are doing great at being a parent. Stay positive and keep looking for ways to help your child. Remember, it takes a village and the more adults in your teen’s life on the same page, the better.

You’ve got this!

Understanding the teen brain/Stanford Children’s

Why Teens Have More Anxiety: Amen Clinics

The Adolescent Brain by: Dr. Dan Siegel (YouTube)

The Teenage Brain/How to Train Teens in Building the Right Boundaries (podcast)

Is it just a phase? Or something more? Understanding depression in teens

Depression in Teens/Mental Health America

Teens and Depression: Diagnosis/Treatment/Risks by PsyCom

Depression Workbook for teen/book

It’s the Depression for me (Three ways to make being a teenager suck less)/book

Anxiety Relief For Teens (how to overcome anxiety and stress)/book

Depression: A teens guide to thrive and survive/book

Also: please be advised you should always check with a doctor before making any health changes. I am not a doctor and am only sharing my experiences and personal research I’ve done.